I know it’s kind of ironic because you’ll be reading this online, but well, my internet wasn’t working when I wrote this and I think it is my responsibility to give you a helpful guide to survive network-less apocalypse.
Listen to the songs you downloaded ages ago.
Maybe you will now understand how lame you were when you were 13, listening to Justin Bieber, huh.
Try reading off a page instead of a screen.
I know. Not being able to control the brightness is troubling to your eyes and turning pages is hard. But this will make you a stronger person and prepare you for even more difficult challenges that life might throw your way, like switching between radio stations or even worse, using CD’s to play movies or songs.
Go through all the ugly, embarrassing and some really nice photos in your phone’s album and experience nostalgia
The pictures from Holi from three years ago, the birthday photos from ancient times, the photos you took at a family function at your place when you were half your size right now with all the relatives you hate with double the intensity now and everything in-between, sweet memories, no?
Talk to your family. They are really nice once you get to know them.
For real, though, they are nice people. They put up with you being a vegetable pointed at a screen. They might be shocked that you’re not looking at one, even touch their foreheads to see if there are iPads glued to them; and you might be a little nervous seeing all these new faces. But everyone will get used to it once through the awkward introductory phase. Trust me on this one.
Call your friends and get to know what they actually sound like.
You forgot what your best friend sounds like, didn’t you? Makes sense since you only communicated through memes for all these years. Its okay. And yes, I know this verbal talking is too much sound to your ears. It might be harsh when you suddenly don’t have a guy trying to murder electric guitars through your earpiece. But eventually you might start liking this new method of communication.
Try taking selfies and re-evaluate your self-esteem.
That pimple is huge, isn’t it? Happy realization, mi amigo. You will start figuring out your own facial traits in a while. Not that you don’t take selfies at all. But filters and editing does make some difference. Also, by the 354th selfie, you will accept that Facebook was lying when it said you looked like George Clooney. That’s okay too. George is a little too handsome.
Check out the neighborhood.
Might take a while to get used to the bright light (that’s called the Sun, by the way). And that walking thing is kind of tiring too. But this will give you a chance to prove you are not just an internet explorer (Geddit?). That you are a real world explorer too. And you aren’t afraid of the natural elements of the street outside your house. Yes, there is a place called ‘outside’ too. Also, that park 50 feet away from your place isn’t new.
Go to an actual shop to buy your stuff.
No, you can’t pay by COD. And you can’t tell the delivery boy to buy cigarettes on the way. I know, I’ve tried. I told that human on the other side of the shelf but… he.. he said ‘Saab, delivery nahi hota hai’. It broke my heart. But I found out, there is one thing you can do. Buy them yourself! Seems overwhelming, kinda scary too, but you can do it. You can do anything you set your mind to.
Go check out your house.
Yes, you always had an extra bedroom and no, your house was never dim-lit, your screen was always at 100% brightness. That strange old lady wont give you directions to your next checkpoint, that’s your grandma trying to nap and that other room with weapons and provisions isn’t an inventory. It’s called a ‘kitchen’ in this world and no, the stairway with the closed door isn’t a forbidden area, it’s your terrace. You’ve always had it.
Don’t lose hope.
This is going to be hard, my children. But it is a test of your strength and patience. Be one with yourself and you will find victory. You might feel like the world-wide-web is crumbling and like there is no coming back. But you will. Keep fighting, keep going. And whatever you do, Don’t. Lose. Hope.