To all those who’ve travelled by anything, to anywhere. You have met that stupid excuse for a human, who cant drive for his own life, that you wanted to stab with a damn spork,right? this is a tribute to that whole category.

The perpetually confused

Do I go right? or left? Which one is right? Also, How Do I press a button to light up the one light that exists to light up while turning? I am sure you know the answers to these. If you dont, please don’t ever operate any vehicle. This category of people are never sure of anything in life. They can’t be if they can’t figure out left from right. And they will make it a point to let you know by indicating right and turning to the left, almost crashing into you. I think the inverted controls from GTA made an impact on their poor little minds.

The no-fucks-given

Apathy is strong with these ones. You can give them crash-courses on driving etiquettes but they just don’t care! They are sure that indicators are for losers and will brake on a highway doing 90 kmph just because their imaginary best-friend wanted to look at the imaginary unicorn excreting rainbows over their heads. Kids, if you don’t want to get beaten to a pulp by angry commuters, if not arrested or dead in general, please don’t do drugs. You will manage to stay happy with human acquaintances and the basic intelligence needed on the streets.

The challenge-accepted

Whether in a traffic jam, at stop signals or even parking lots, this human, on his supersonic hyper-vehicle that sounds like a vomiting ogre, will look for spaces where they won’t fit and try to go through them. You didn’t do anything to make them hate you like Namo hates Raga. Your existence isn’t priority in their endeavor to save 3.6 seconds by getting in front of stationary traffic, they will leave love-bites on your cars sides. Or even better, take away your fucking mirror. And then they’ll turn around, with the most unapologetic smile, and wave their hand to say sorry, then continue their journey to the front of the line. I’m pretty sure these people also run to take seats meant for the elderly. Inconsiderate reprobates.

The speed-racers

Another one that loves their vehicle sounding like an ogre. Doing 85 kmph in a 30 zone, these guys will ruin your trip to the market. Their vehicles might have the shittiest engines, but that does not matter. These guys power their rides with will. And somehow convince themselves that they will win this race against their own ego, although they won’t. Maybe they’ll die trying, but they aren’t winning. Also, their racing-guru told them seatbelts and helmets are passe.

The hippos

They will drive slow. They will hog the road. And if you have a fast-lane on the road, they will definitely hog that. They are the Gandalf you didn’t ask for. Usually seen in a huge-ass luxury car doing 20 below the lower speed limit, they do not care about how fast you need to get anywhere. They think you honking is the vehicular equal of you clapping, and the flashing headlights are camera flashes going off for their amazing high-speed driving. I hate them, you hate them and I am pretty sure they hate themselves too. Which is why they don’t give a hoot about getting anywhere on time!

The touch-me-nots

Driving a car that’s barely alive, these guys will honk at everybody in a 50 feet radius, take up two parking spaces and stop miles before a traffic light. These super-precious, ancient, sea-cucumbers are older and slower than the dial-up internet connections from 2000’s. They look like they have asthma and drive just because they want to exhaust whatever life is left in them. Am I talking about the car or the driver? Go figure.

The razle-dazzle walker

These special cases don’t even have a vehicle but still manage to get your balls fried. Their philosophy teacher told them that nobody can take their freedom away and that lesson stayed with them. They walk on the roads just as they walk in a park. They do not give a hoot about you even if you were on the highway with your pants down. But the moment these idiots manage to step close enough for your car to give them a kissy, they will make headlines about how they almost got killed by the ‘reckless driver’. These people are so lost in life that their favorite reason (excuse) for jumping in front of your vehicle is they didn’t realize a 2-tonne shiny-ass metal bull, sounding like an ogre on red bull, with lights flashing, coming towards them. These are the people that forget their children on public transport.

Have you met any of these bizarre types on your street today?

Broke, reckless and kinda funny.